A Teenagers Guide to Finding A Mate

Updated: Nov 23

Today, I was contemplating, if I could go back and give 15 yr old me some dating and relationship advice, what would I say?

Well... I met my husband almost 17yrs ago, when I was 18yrs of age... and I'm so proud of our journey so far... so, I swiftly realised I wouldn't want to change anything, because it's all led me to where I am today.

However, I have learnt A LOT along the way... and while my husband and I have managed to navigate things through instinct, growth mindset, trial and error, huge belly flop fails, persistence, troubleshooting, hitting rock-bottoms and rebuilding and with new wisdom...and massive massive amounts of good intentions, great attitudes and stamina...

I do think it would be useful for future and current teenagers to travel the path to longterm love with far more ease than we have...

So, if my children ask me for advice on finding a life partner when they're teenagers, here's some wisdom I feel is crucial learning before diving into a marriage with someone

(unless you're ready to put in as much effort as my husband and I have into making marriage work... and that effort includes years upon years of studying all the things regarding love, marriage, secure attachment and relationships, studying social psychology at university, becoming a certified results coach, learning from thousands of hours supporting others to up level their love life, and interviewing over 45 relationship success stories so far via my podcast "Love, with Elise Peck")


  1. Decide what kind of relationship you want - what is your relationship vision?

  2. Think longterm, and only date to fulfil that longterm relationship vision.

  3. Make dating decisions with your logical brain (decisions that make sense due to shared vision, shared goals, shared values, strong communication, shared team player mentality etc.) and not on emotions or chemistry alone.

  4. If you want to get married, get clear on what marriage means to you. Is that truly a commitment to being with someone forever, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer? If marriage does mean that to you, verify that it means that to the other person too. Check that you’re both committing to the same idea of marriage and have the same expectations around what marriage is and isn’t.

  5. Get clear on what the family plan is when children arrive.

  6. Do you want to be a double income or single income family?

  7. Do you want your children at home with a parent full time, or in child care while you both work? Check the other person’s expectations around this.

  8. What are your values when it comes to money - is the vision to have a provider and a homemaker, or two big income earners, or one main income earner and one smaller/part time career person that’s more focused on the children? Will money be in joint accounts, or separate. Do you believe in loans or only spending the cash you currently have? Would you prefer to invest and save aggressively, or would you prefer to have a better quality of life in the shorter term, and less or no savings and investments? Check the other person's expectations on this.

  9. How involved do you want to be in your children's lives and activities in the younger years, and how much do you want your spouse to be engaged with them? What is your vision for the first 1-15yrs with children. Check for compatibility.

  10. What’s your ideal way to spend a weekend? Loads of activities, or resting at home? Lots of socialising, or mainly hanging as a couple? Check for compatibility.

  11. Do you want more of an introverted or extroverted lifestyle?

  12. How much involvement do you see your extended family having in your marriage? Check the other persons' expectations on this, are they compatible?

  13. What is your attitude towards rest, self-care and balance, vs hustle and hard work? Check the other person's values on this.

  14. What is each person’s education, needs and expectations around sex? You will each be taking on the commitment to fulfil the other's sexual needs exclusively, if your vision is a monogamous committed longterm relationship. Do you both understand how the female body works and that access needs to be earned on both a psychological and biological level? A woman is also responsible for getting her mindset and body in the vicinity of having a healthy libido and being open to trying to “get in the mood”. Do both people understand, though, that a woman’s body does give signals as to if it’s open to sex on a biological level, and these natural barriers should be listened to, as they are nature’s way of trying to ensure that a woman only gets impregnated by a man who has what it takes to be a good father, that sticks around. Listen to the woman’s body… if as a couple you can't reach a point where the woman is naturally lubricated and desiring sex (on both the psychological and biological level) nature is trying to prevent her from getting pregnant to someone who doesn’t have strong protector and provider qualities. Again, some women are never going to get there if they haven’t taken responsibility for their hormonal health, and aren't trying to live a life that turns them on. So, it’s a team effort. Beyond that, ensure you are each aware of what the other person expects with regard to sex life and understand that you’re committing to fulfilling those needs over a lifetime. Those needs might change... and they also may not. Don't marry with the hope that something will change. Accept things as they are right now, and decide if that's something you could commit to, for the rest of your life.

  15. It’s best to start screening for your future ideal partner at a young age, from the teenage years onwards. You have a larger pool, and it’s easier to get exactly what you want and to stick with your boundaries around having a shared future vision and compatible values regarding money, sex, parenting, social life, lifestyle etc.

  16. When it comes to marrying someone, and committing to building the rest of your life with them, you’re looking for someone with growth mindset and a team player mentality - who will be willing to adapt and grow in love with you. Who will see relationship problems, as joint problems to solve together with both people taking responsibility and trying to make it work.

  17. Take your time getting to know someone, to verify that their actions match all the words and information they've given you. Also, meet their friends and family that have known them for a long time, and ask for their views on your compatibility, and for ideas about who this person truly is... as they have known them for a long time.

  18. Don't have sex with someone, if you wouldn't want them to be a parent to your child.

Alright, so that's my insights on picking a quality spouse/life partner.

The person you choose to partner with and build a life with... is seriously significant and marriage is not just a fun party where you get to wear a white dress and have sparkly diamonds on your finger.

9years into my marriage, and 17yrs into our relationship, it's only just dawning on me what it truly means to commit your life to someone...

and I am just so relieved that even though my husband and I started off with very little idea as to how to create satisfying love, we've managed to figure it out as we go (with a huge amount of effort, failing, and trying again with new learnings, along the way).

I would recommend a more informed, intentional approach, if you want a smoother ride, though :)

Hence, my 18 point list above for anyone closer to the beginning of their love journey.

With care & gratitude,

Elise Peck

Bestselling Author, Podcaster & Love Coach

P.S. Time to finally get the love you want? Here are a few ways I can help you:

1. Follow me on instagram - it's the place I hang out the most online, let you know when new podcast episodes (for the "Love, with Elise Peck" podcast) have been published, and provide tips to get you real results in your love life (and we have some fun and laughs too!). Click here to follow my instagram account.

2. Tune into the "Love, with Elise Podcast" - enjoy listening along as I interview people with the love they want, to find out how they got that result. I weave in relationship insights, wisdom, practical tips and frameworks on how to get the love you want, as I interview relationship masters... so that you're learning while being immersed in listening to a love story... think of it as an "infotaining" way to learn how to get the love you want. I also interview other love experts and we gain their love tips too. Click here to listen to the podcast.

3. Join "The Love Elixir" - if you're ready to totally up-level your love life, to build a strong connection with yourself, to release and alchemise your inner love blocks, to figure out what has been blocking the love you want, to up-level your inner and outer love game, and to ignite your authentic attractive energy so that you become a magnet and match for the love you want... the The Love Elixir is for you. It's a consume-at-your-own-pace online video course, organised across 4 modules that address the 4 keys to getting the love (and marriage) you want (whether you're single or already coupled up), and includes personalised advice in a Q&A section where you can submit your personal questions and receive a personal response straight from me (Elise Peck). If you're ready to radically up level your love life, click here to get "The Love Elixir" now.

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