Being Love

Do you ever contemplate that perhaps there is a divine order to life...

that perhaps (in a way we can't quite fully comprehend in the present moment) everything is unfolding perfectly...

to allow us to learn the wisdom we're meant to learn...

and that perhaps the wisdom we're meant to learn is how to "Be Love"?

Life is causing me to contemplate this in recent times... my experience of life is softening me at the moment, loosen up my judgements, smashing through long held programming, causing me to see others through a softer lens...

I notice in conversations, I feel less and less resonance with judgment of someone else's experience, and more and more understanding... of course, it's an ever evolving journey, where progress & growth is what I am after, not perfection :)

You see, I recently did a short stint working in a law firm...

one day I felt an inner urge to apply to legal jobs.

I was going through some real estate conflicts at the time, which was causing me to step into advocating for my legal rights, and I found myself getting back in touch with "lawyer Elise"... and it felt, really good, actually.

So, I followed that curiosity, and actually very swiftly landed a job as a solicitor in the area of institutional abuse.

What followed was days of reading through reports of young boys being abused at the hands of institutions... at the hands of those who were supposed to be protecting them.

Long story short, life pretty rapidly navigated me right back to focusing on my love & life coaching business (not that I ever let it go, I had continued to coach clients over the weekends and after hours), however, I really feel that I was truly supposed to have that law job experience.

It was no accident that life was sending me an experience that gave me incredible insight in to the pain and circumstances that can cause a boy/man to "go off the rails" so to speak.

During those days of reading files detailing the abuse of adolescent/young boys, I witnessed how each case was almost "copy & paste".

How the effect of the abuse, created the same result over & over.

Mostly, it created men who were now terrified of connection, who felt their best being isolated from other humans, and who relied heavily on illegal drugs to cope and take away the pain.

To think of all the times we might have judged someone for being withdrawn, non-social, a recluse, for having confusing relationship patterns, for coming towards connection then withdrawing suddenly... for ghosting, for disappearing, for rejecting us, and for being a drug addict.

Now image that person as a young child, being abused by those who were supposed to be protecting them.

It certainly softens the judgement, doesn't it.

I wonder, what if, each time we feel ourselves judging, we instead try to imagine that the other person as a traumatised child...?

What if, instead of judging, we asked ourselves:

"what need of mine is not getting met in this moment that is causing me to want to make this other person "wrong or bad" in some way, and how can I get this need met somewhere else if this person is not capable of meeting it?"

What if we considered that just because someone isn't meeting our needs in this moment, that it doesn't make them "bad", it just means they are not currently an available source of our needs getting met?

What if we could accept and try to understand that we have no idea what trauma this person has endured which has rendered them unable to provide us with the love, understanding, attention etc that we need in this moment...

and we just accepted that they are, what they are...

and it is, what it is...

and, instead of fighting with life for this person to be different, we accepted them as they are right now,

and, we accepted ourselves and what we need right now... and we moved on with love to someone else who can meet that need?

Without resentment, without having to make the other person bad... but instead owning that we have a need, feeling the pain that this person can't meet this need and accepting that we need to get this need met elsewhere... that this person isn't trying to harm us, they simply are not a source of meeting out need in this moment...

but we can love them anyway, while getting our needs met elsewhere?

Perhaps judging another, is simply an admission that the person was not a source of meeting our needs.

It reminds me of this quote:

People are hard to hate close up.

Move in. Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil. Hold hands. With strangers. Strong back. Soft front. Wild heart.

Brené Brown

How many times have you judged a drug addict, or someone lacking social skills, or someone who keeps to themselves?

  • Did them being a drug addict make you feel unsafe? How can you therefore move towards feeling safe elsewhere?

  • Did them not being social make you feel rejected? How can you therefore move towards reciprocal connection elsewhere?

  • Did they fail to make you feel understood? How can you therefore move towards feeling understand elsewhere?

Perhaps, the medicine is, instead of making them "wrong or bad", instead zooming in... or trying to consider what might that person have endured, to be here, like this, today?

The more we judge others, the more we keep ourselves in a prison... a prison where we are scared to identify those very traits inside ourselves, scared to love those parts of being a human that also exist inside us.

My hope is that if you were abused as a child, by those who were meant to protect you, and that meant that today you had barriers to connecting with others and needed to take drugs to cope with the flashbacks... my hope is that you could love yourself anyway.

The other person is you... sliding door moment could've been the difference between you living their experience, not yours.

That could've been you: adopted out, or attending church, or at school trusting a teacher... and your life could have been drastically altered too... and now, one cascading moment after another has led to a downward spiral, where you can't see the way out... where you steal to get the drugs you need to cope, then end up in an institution, where they refuse to get you the medication you need to stay sane and cope, or they fail to get you the support you need to heal... so you find ways to access more drugs and the cycle continues.

I'm not suggesting we need to expose ourselves over and over to people that harm us... I'm suggesting perhaps we can just move in the direction of getting our needs met from those that do currently have the capacity right now, and love & accept (rather than judge and resent) those that don't currently have the capacity.

Life is a wild ride.

I hope you're being gentle with yourself along the way.

Big love,


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