How to create enduring connection with our children



Would you love to create a strong bond with your kids... so that in their risky teenage years, when they're more likely to be influenced by their peers than you, they're willing to at least let you in, keep you in the loop, and keep the lines of communication open with you?


Would you love to build an enduring relationship with them into adulthood too, where they will of course live the free, independent life that will bring them genuine happiness...


while still genuinely wanting to stay connected and in authentic communication with you, regularly, because they actually enjoy your company (and not because they feel guilt, shame or obligation to see you)?


✨Sometimes what we want most, is found in the place we're least willing to look... reminds me of this Carl Jung quote:


That which you most need will be found where you least want to look.

- Carl Gustav Jung

(was a Swiss psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and the founder of analytical psychology)


The greatest opportunity for connection as a parent... might just be found in the hardest part of parenting. Our children's big emotions, hold the greatest opportunity for us to create the strongest connection and bond with them.


It's pretty tricky to regulate your own emotions while your child is having their big emotions, though, isn't it? Especially if we didn't get our brains wired for self-regulation in childhood through having calm adults co-regulate us.


If we weren't calmly co-regulated through our emotions as children, then anyone's big emotions (including our own) can trigger us into fight/flight/freeze in adulthood...


in this case, anyone's emotions (ours or someone else's) can feel like an urgent emergency that needs to be immediately stopped.


It's tough, but we DO have the power to be the cycle breaker, to learn to better regulate our own emotions, so that we can provide that calm, co-regulation to our children... and create a deep bond and connection with them in the process.


One way we can learn to better regulate and control our own emotions, so that we can hold space for our children's big emotions, is to give our children's emotions a new "empowering meaning".


We can do some new thought "wiring" to allow our mind to realise how our child's big emotions are in fact meeting our core needs.


How?


Well:


❤️ Here's 1 tip for finding the empowering meaning in your kid’s big emotions.


It's by adopting the following perspective:


🌈 The extent to which they can feel fully seen, heard and understood by you (especially when their emotions are a bit out of control), is the extent to which they can feel deeply connected to you.


Big emotions = big connection.


This works both ways. Often the more connected we feel to someone, the more we share all our emotions with them. And, the more someone loves us through any emotional sharing, the more connected we feel to them.


Hence:


Big emotions = big connection.


✨We all have different “favourite feelings”… so, if feeling “deep connection” isn’t something that is really floating your boat or something you care about


(I chose connection because it’s my fave feeling…. But I certainly come across many people in life that care about other things way more than connection… i.e. many people will actively sever connections in favour of getting more “money” for example by trying to take as much money as they can from another human, even if it’s destroying the relationship or connection…)


If that’s you, and you prefer a different feeling I.e. money or control or superiority…


Then you might like to instead ask yourself:


“how does creating a secure bond through calmly being with my child and showing them that I care during their big emotions, give me more feelings of, for example, control?"


(Which it does… the more we feel connected and bonded to someone, the more likely we are to find them influential, which will certainly be useful when peers become a very influential source in the teenage years. That's just 1 way it can make you feel more control... there's plenty more answers to that question...


You could also find plenty of answers for how you being able to regulate your child's big emotions can make you feel "wealthier", "superior" etc... whatever it is that you love to feel the most)


❤️The point is… we can rewire and reframe any triggering circumstance to be able to view it as one that is serving our deepest needs, if we want to.


❤️Finding an empowering meaning for something as triggering as your child’s big, loud emotions, could truly change your life and allow you to remain way calmer, and build deeper connection with them.


Would you love more help to become the calm, caring, patient, fulfilled parent you want to be? Book your 1on1 discovery call with me here.


❓Also, I’m curious, what is the most triggering part about being a parent for you? Let us know in the comments below.


With care,

Elise

37 views0 comments

Keep in touch

Hi there, I love sharing my insights and post them here regularly. 
If you would like to keep up to date and receive all my latest news, blog posts and more, you can subscribe below and join the community!

Thanks for submitting!