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How to have a secure relationship

Something I get asked by clients is:

❓ “How can I attract a secure partner?”

Epic question because:

✅ Attracting a secure partner can help you heal an insecure attachment style; and

✅ Having a secure relationship is arguably the best thing you could ever do for you health, longevity & life satisfaction.

📚 So, what does social psychology research tell us about attracting a secure partner?

Well, many things, here’s a couple:

1️⃣ We are attracted to people similar to us:

  • Contrary to the popular belief that “opposites attract” (which is not supported by research)…

  • When it comes to romantic relationships, we are attracted to what we perceive as similar to us.

  • So a person with a secure attachment style, will be more attracted to someone who acts also in a secure way (I.e. with warmth, trust, is trustworthy, low to no fear of abandonment, no games, no manipulation, no power plays, no unpredictability etc.)

  • Therefore, it’d be wise to work on becoming similar to that (as in the brackets above)

2️⃣ Another important factor that makes people perceive us as a valuable potential partner, in particular securely attached people, is the ability to express our emotions:

  • The caveat is, ❌ this doesn’t apply if the emotions are being expressed in a volatile, reactive, dysregulated way….

  • The expressing of emotions needs to be: careful, ✅ strategic & managed

🎁 One tip in this regard ⤵️

1️⃣ Take a pause when you’re triggered…

2️⃣ Express that you’re currently dysregulated/triggered

3️⃣ Tell the other person that you need a pause and will return to the conversation as soon as you feel calmer

4️⃣ Go to another room, do some breathing, EFT tapping, journaling, whatever tools you have in your self-regulation belt, you might like to go for a walk

5️⃣ Then ask yourself over & over: “what is this really about?” ➡️ you want to get to the primary emotion. Search for the sadness, tears, fears, powerlessness… try to locate where in your body you feel the feeling most…

6️⃣ As soon as you are calmer, return to the person and communicate from the space of 5️⃣ above ⬆️ “I’m feeling….”

️⭐️ That’s a great start ️👏

#socialpsychology #psychology #emotions #secureattachment #dating

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