How to repair after conflict



❤️ The most important skill for long term satisfying intimacy:


🤝 Being able to repair after conflict


❓ How:


1️⃣ Acknowledge how you contributed to the conflict - take personal responsibility


2️⃣ Listen 👂 - for as long as the other person needs, asking “is there more on that” to show care, curiosity & a desire to truly understand them.


3️⃣ Validate their experience “now that I understand your experience, it makes sense that you’re so upset”


4️⃣ Empathise “I really care that it’s been so hard for you & that I’ve upset you, I’m sorry to have contributed to you being this upset”


5️⃣ Articulate what you plan to do differently next time to demonstrate that you understand what went wrong


6️⃣ Grow from the experience & show up differently


7️⃣ Do not engage in toxic positivity & toxic invalidation i.e. ❌ you gave your power away, you’re choosing to be upset, you could have perceived it better, it was your perception that made you upset 🤮👈 those beliefs are the foundations of narcissistic relationships, shaming the other person, invalidating their experience, deflecting from you taking any personal responsibility. ❌ That’s not the belief set for secure relationships that create emotional safety.


💡 So, decide what you want:


1️⃣ Connection, intimacy & mutual team work… ❤️ predominately oxytocin based relationships (steady, long lasting, get better & better over time 🥰); or


2️⃣ Shallow relationships based on admiration, entertainment & impressing each other… 🏆predominately dopamine based relationships… 🌀 which are more volatile & cycle through admiration/devaluation/admiration/devaluation (🔥hot 🥶cold) 🎢

(if they last at all)


❤️ If you want 1️⃣ you’ll need to master conflict repair.

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