Updated: Nov 23
I'll first preface this by saying that I've been learning about success mindset since 2-3yrs of age
(when I commenced a highly competitive team sport, Calisthenics in Victoria, Australia, which required us to train and perform at peak levels, so I was coached in peak performance mindset principles throughout my childhood and life).
Since then, I've gone deep into studying personal development, psychology, romantic relationships, marriage, life coaching and more, to understand how to master human behaviour, to support myself and others to achieve the results we want... especially the result of getting the love you want.
I've also supported many 1on1 coaching clients over thousands of hours now, to radically up-level their love lives, through success mindset principles and relationship insights, tips and skillsets (including learning how to better self-regulate as an adult).
I've come to realise that there's four vital skillsets that allow a person to get the love they want.
These four skills, come together to create the self-awareness, self-connection, self-regulation and self-esteem required to show up to relationships in a way that invites in and creates solid connection.
1️⃣ Sitting with my Feelings.
Just feeling them to their fullest. Being with them. Experiencing them. I stopped trying to solve life in a way that might eradicate difficult emotions… instead, I learnt to be with all of my emotions. I feel all my emotions, and I often express myself from my primary emotion in an embodied way… but I attempt to no longer act from them. I attempt to only act now from a regulated, calm, intentional mind with a “long view”… with an awareness of how what I’m doing today is or is not creating the future I want to be part of (see item no.4 for more on the "future I want to be a part of" piece).
I practised and skilled up on psychological flexibility, to be able to reframe any life experience to one that I can eventually feel immense gratitude for.
If there’s anything I’m not currently grateful for… I’ve got more work to do on that topic - this is partly what I spend quite a bit of time with clients doing… helping them to reframe, until they start really picking up and embodying the skill in their mind… then they become their own best coach.
P.s. getting into authentic alignment in your life, makes having an attitude of gratitude that much easier. The short cut to having an attitude of gratitude is to align your life to your true values, so that you fall in love with your life, feel grateful for it... and that gratitude then overflows into your relationships. Often, however, we need to first adopt an attitude of gratitude to be able to access your alignment... it can be a chicken and egg thing, which one comes first? It's best to try for both simultaneously... consciously cultivate an attitude of gratitude, while adding in more of the activities that spontaneously make you feel grateful.
3️⃣ Interdependent Perspective Taking.
I've learned to get better at trying to explore the perspectives of other people, to put more energy into understanding others, into owning the traits in others within myself, and into trying to see things from multiple perspectives... to see beyond only my initial perspective. I've learned to adopt a more "interdependent" perspective, that connects to and takes into consideration the experience of those around me, rather than only being focused on my own experience of a situation. This also involves shifting from blaming, shaming and projecting everything at others, to instead reflecting on my personal accountability in a given situation... what might the other person's perspective & experience be here? What might I be accountable for here? What might their experience of me be? What could be some alternative explanations for their actions, beyond just making the other bad or in the wrong? I've learned to train my mind to search for multiple perspectives of my own experience, and to search for multiple explanations for the other person's behaviour.
4️⃣ Clear Intention.
As it turns out, the clichéd "what are your intentions with my daughter" question... is truly very wise. A great question to ask of ourselves and to ask of anyone we're dating - what are your intentions for the romantic love outcomes in your life?
The importance of Clear Intention:
There's a poem, "A Great Wagon" by Rumi, which says "out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there".
I've come to conclude that this "field" is one's authentic vision... it's a place where people just admit to themselves who they really are and what they really want (beyond idea's of who they "should" be... beyond ideas of what is "right" and "wrong" for them). This field is the place where people who had a clear vision of what they wanted, and decided to set their focus on making it happen, meet. The field is the area of goal attainment... of achieving what one intended, for oneself. It's the field of self-actualisation.
This also reminds me of the wisdom in the great Tao, that "the master observes the outer world, but trusts their inner vision". As in, observe what the outer world is saying you should do, be and have... then go back to trusting what your inner vision is calling you to do, be and have. My interpretation, is that the "field" is the place people arrive at, when they trusted their inner vision.
The same Rumi poem (A Great Wagon) also instructs "Don't go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want"... in this way, it's the clue that we can't just drift back into plodding along aimlessly, or we will be pulled into the vision of others... instead, we must remain clear on what we intend to create, and stay focused on that intention.
The life we are currently living is largely a result of the goals we have or have not set for ourselves.
Some people are setting goals, then pursuing them with focus, like Elon Musk, while others are drifting by and wafting in the wind, like Forrest Gump.
You can let life happen to you, or you can co-create with life and watch your intentions, goals and visions come to life.
When it comes to your love life, would you prefer to have an attitude like Elon Musk or an attitude like Forrest Gump?
An Elon attitude would be setting a goal, then working towards it with focus... and likely setting a goal that you have no idea how you will achieve it, but setting it anyway and chipping away at it.
A Forrest attitude would be just leaving things up to luck, drifting along, being with what shows up, running on instinct and letting the genetic blueprint you've inherited dictate your outcomes rather than consciously deciding what you want to create and going about creating it. Sadly, I see many women in their mid to late 30s that took a Forrest approach and are now without the love they want. Many wish they could go back and tell their teenage self to set a clear vision for the relationship they want in the future, and only date in a way that is leading to that future.
Knowing what we want, allows us to filter and act in a way that creates that result.
In my mid 30s and I am in exactly the relationship I was super clear I would want, if any relationship, in my teenage years.
Upon first meeting my husband, both of us could tell each other within the first hour of meeting, exactly the future we would want to create in love and life with someone else. And my mindset at the time was that it would either be that relationship, or I'd be single highly successful career woman.
I was prepared to either be in the type of relationship that was "worth it" or none at all.
Either I would be with a kind, generous provider who would support me to be a stay at home mother to our children, or I would be a single woman focused on a great career. I was not going to become a mother if I also had to balance a career while my children were little. I knew if I was to become a mother, I would want to go all in and focus on giving it my all. I was not prepared to be with a man that would expect me to delegate the raising of my children to someone else, while I went back to work.
So, I was clear on the relationship I wanted (if any)... which is exactly what we have 16 years later.
Setting my relationship intention, gave me a clear filter to intentionally date with.
The best time to get clear on what you want, was yesterday, the second best time is today.
As soon as you get clear on what you want, you can start filtering what comes to you in accordance with your vision.
Of course, the vision will get edited as you go... as you get more life experience and feedback which causes you to edit what you want to create... but we must always know the general idea of what we want to create with our life, if we want to have any control over our longterm life outcomes.
By the way, here is the middle verse of that Rumi poem, "A Great Wagon":
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense. The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want. Don’t go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch. The door is round and open. Don’t go back to sleep.”
So, those are the 4 ingredients that have absolutely led me to success in my love life. Of course, there's a bonus 5th ingredient, which is that great communication skills are important too... but really, if you have:
the ability to own your feelings rather than spray them at others,
an attitude of gratitude,
the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and to demonstrate understanding and care for their experience, while also shifting your own perspective to a more empowering and connecting one, and
you have a clear intention, and therefore filtration system, for the kind of relationship future you want to create...
Your communication ought to come to reflect that inner world energy... a person taking ownership of their feelings, feeling generally grateful, and trying to understand another person's experience, while being able to express what they really want out of life and love... generally is going to get through the communication part, or learn as they go. Really, it's the inner energy and intent that shines through and that people feel.
In any event, great communication boils down to 4 basic steps:
express your view from a place of personal responsibility, ownership and accountability (and ideally, from your body, from the primary core emotion... so, vulnerably, and not defensively).
❤️ Right, your turn: I would love to hear in the comments section below, which ingredient do you think you most need to grow in?
Owning & Sitting With All Of Your Feelings,
Attitude Of Gratitude,
Interdependent Perspective Taking,
Clear Love Life Intention, or
the bonus 5th. Communication.
Wife & Mama
Bestselling Author & Podcast Host
Love Coach & Marriage Mentor
P.S. Time to finally get the love you want? Here are a few ways I can help you:
1. Follow me on instagram - it's the place I hang out the most online, let you know when new podcast episodes (for the "Love, with Elise Peck" podcast) have been published, and provide tips to get you real results in your love life (and we have some fun and laughs too!). Click here to follow my instagram account.
2. Tune into the "Love, with Elise Podcast" - enjoy listening along as I interview people with the love they want, to find out how they got that result. I weave in relationship insights, wisdom, practical tips and frameworks on how to get the love you want, as I interview relationship masters... so that you're learning while being immersed in listening to a love story... think of it as an "infotaining" way to learn how to get the love you want. I also interview other love experts and we gain their love tips too. Click here to listen to the podcast.
3. Join "The Love Elixir" - if you're ready to totally up-level your love life, to build a strong connection with yourself, to release and alchemise your inner love blocks, to figure out what has been blocking the love you want, to up-level your inner and outer love game, and to ignite your authentic attractive energy so that you become a magnet and match for the love you want... the The Love Elixir is for you. It's a consume-at-your-own-pace online video course, organised across 4 modules that address the 4 keys to getting the love (and marriage) you want (whether you're single or already coupled up), and includes personalised advice in a Q&A section where you can submit your personal questions and receive a personal response straight from me (Elise Peck). If you're ready to radically up level your love life, click here to get "The Love Elixir" now.